Coming A--part...

Yesterday, included in my "Mornings with Tozer" devotional," it says: Apart from the Scriptures we have no sure philosophy; apart from Jesus Christ we have no true knowledge of God; apart from the in-living Spirit we have no ability to live lives morally pleasing to God!--A.W. Tozer.

I was delighted last week, to find that there were a couple of 'new books' on the shelf of our local book store that were focused on Tozer, himself. That was fun to consider, as one was a compilation of his favorite writers that was supposed to have helped him in forming his theology, I think the words on the cover said something like "from his personal library." Those words made me smile--for many reasons.

This week has been a week of "growing" and "self-realizations" for me, as we came face to face with the reality of where we are--and the realization that the 'honey moon is over' so to speak. Holidays are a blessed time, surrounded with family, friends and food, and hopefully laughter.

The realization hit me during the moments before our meal on Thanksgiving Day. A meal that I had been planning for a month, and prepared for a couple of days. A meal that would include our five family members plus seven strangers... I use the term strangers loosely here because we know them, the know us, we are friends, but we are all unrelated to each other. I, of course, am talking about the boys that are in the care of this ministry, four of which live in our home.

The reality hit me right between the eyes when the 'newest' member of our home could not face the meal, choosing, instead to stay in his room, under the covers. The fact is: there have been holidays when the 'meal' was the most difficult part. Of course, these meals came during my adult years (the holidays after my parent's divorce, the Thanksgiving morning that my grandma Sisk died, the holidays after we lost Randy's parents and Macy, to name a few) and I did not stay in my bed..even though I wanted to. However, these boys faced this holiday with no one, except us--perhaps I was surprised more of them didn't want to take to their bed...

Because I've lived through painful holidays, I can relate. Not because I am super woman, but because the Scriptures (as Tozer reminds us above) are an important part of my life--a part that I cannot live without. You see, even in the most difficult places this life has takes us, because of who Jesus is to me, and because of the place scripture takes in my thought processes, I have peace that passes understanding, and the in-living Spirit is right there to guide and comfort me! I count this among one of the greatest gifts I have as a believer...

And, here I am, trying to encapsulate that knowledge, that peace, that path for the young men in our home that have little to no hope, little to no knowledge of God. How do I do that? How can I make them understand? How can I encourage them, and help them establish and come to a healthy hope and trust in an unseen God?

These are age old questions. These are age old problems. These are burning my thoughts and stirring the passion in me for the things of God. Like no other time in my life, I have to reconcile all this, and then formulate a plan...a new kind of normal. Why the urgency now, you may be asking, and what does this have to do with anything?

When we lost Macy, I had friends and family that were there to help in our darkest grief. Macy left because of an accident...no one had a choice in facing the reality of her going...it just happened. Our friends packed up and stored all her things within a few hours of her passing. I processed that grief and that loss in a way that surprised even me. But, I did not have to pack up her sippy cups, or her clothing, or her toys--someone else did that. I only had to face the rest of my life without her laughter and her smile and her gestures.

We find ourselves, again, experiencing the loss of a child, but in a different way. Two of the boys in our care chose to run away this past week end. I could write volumes about the event itself, but I will not share that here. What I will share is the great sadness that has washed over me...the feeling of complete and utter failure I have because they chose to leave our care. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they chose to leave a warm home for a cold wet rainy night. Their choice has really nothing to do with me--I know this--but the loss is still the same. I was the one to pack all their belongings. It was me who prepared their room for the next boys that will be placed with us. I touched each of their earthly possessions and stored them away and wept for the loss.

In some strange way, I found myself comparing this present moment in time to that loss so long ago, and then to the loss of our nephew this past spring. Is that selfish? I do not know. Is that normal? I do not know. Is it real? YES. A resounding YES.

Coming apart, that is how I feel today. I know the One who can put me back together...the key, however, will be to allow Him to work in this situation and to watch as He unfolds His plan in each of these boy's lives. I am here to plant seeds, it is not up to me to reap the harvest, that will be for some one else, another time!

I take great comfort and feel encouraged concerning all this when I read John 18:1-11 and realize that Peter was not called to save& protect Jesus' life--he was called to spread God's word...perhaps that's my realization, as I come apart: I am not called to save the lives of these boys, just speak the word in to them! Pray that this will come about--with urgency! So that they, too, will be able to eventually live lives that are morally pleasing to God out of their own unique and sold-out love for Him. In the wait, I will probably weep more freely and openly...and constantly be 'ready-ing a room!'