The Life I had Planned!

Life changing week ahead...it's Thanksgiving week, our little grand daughter turns one year old, our second oldest daughter will turn 23 and our nephew is marrying the woman of his dreams! I'm already feeling it, and my emotions will be running just under the surface of my skin...and dripping out the corners of my eyes!

We truly have much to be thankful for, and much to celebrate!

Memories of 'Thanksgiving's past', life before we were grandparents...and Dane (our nephew) & Holly (our second-oldest) when they were little babies (or, better yet, when he was a little boy covered in mud most of the time & she was in her little tutu & rubber boots walking around the track in the back yard!!) I get very emotional when I consider these things...there could be happy tears, and/or sad tears...but somehow, they all mingle together to the point that the average on-looker wouldn't be able to tell the difference and I would like to keep it that way...

"I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams"...a line of lyrics to a song I've been listening to a lot recently...but this line is Oh, so true...my life looks nothing like what I had planned...and, in many ways, that is in and of itself something to be truly thankful for...

In the life I had planned, there was no pain, no suffering, no death, no harsh words...no sickness, no broken dishes, or shirts that bleach accidently gets splattered on...only smiles and balloons, and really happy times...

So, there you have it, how truly shallow I really am...and at the exact same moment, if you know anything at all about me, you realize, that in the pain and suffering and disappointment and death and sickness, sometimes even in the harsh words, and certainly in the incidental moments of dishes accidently crashing and bleach splattering...that's the stuff of life--it all happens, and it is never at the 'best moment'....it's messy and unpredictable...

But, in those times, I can truly see God's provision, mercy and grace intertwined in such a way that it just makes me long to worship Him more, and to be drawn closer to Him. For those moments when things go upside down, and they are NOT what we planned, we can truly experience Our Mighty God. The God of the Universe, the Creator of All things, the God of Abraham, Isaac & Jacob..the Ancient of Days...the God to whom no day is a surprise!

Life, as long as I'm trusting God to provide my next step, is truly a wild ride...And, so with this in mind, I'll let you know how the rest of the week turns out...exhausted, bruised, content and completely joyful...I'm not certain...just praying for wisdom, strength, courage and faith to make it through these next eight weeks...(and, I'll stay away from bleach during this time!)holidays, birthdays, a wedding and a little vacation...WOW!!!--so, sing with me:

"I'm letting go...
it feels like I'm falling
and that's what it's like to believe...!!!"

What Satisfies You?

Thanks for the comments from the last post that I did on this blog! I'm going to do some more research before I launch a blog about grief/grieving with hope...but, keep the comments coming.

I feel that God is very near. I feel that He gives me inspired ideas for things to write and say...I just have to listen and obey, and sometimes, I fail miserably at both!--His mercy is great, I am living proof!

This fall has been a busy, no, very busy season for me! This hit me just today...I had lunch with a couple of friends...they are a delight to 'lunch' with...but I started re-counting the things that have had my attention since August! Let me just say that it would certainly was easy for me to let some things slide. One example would be 'up-to-date' posts on this blog!

Women's ministry launched, at the beginning of September, the Beth Moore study of Daniel. WOW! What a study. What a challenge. A challenge to not only learn the material, but to keep up!

What a blessing it is to stretch out and grasp new concepts and challenges that God's Word presents! Daniel certainly was just that! God's word, though, as a whole is a fascinating book...and the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know! --Which means that studying it for me should be endless! And, God is faithful to help in the understanding and application, as long as we're willing to put in the time and resolve to 'just do it'! (study, that is!)

Our Monday afternoon group just moved from Exodus to Joshua...that is an exciting time! And our congregation is going through the New Testament together, one chapter each week day this year. Amazingly enough, all these have tied together somehow in my brain to where they each enhance the other! God's Word is like that, isn't it? --Holy, Timeless, Applicable--1,500 years ago, as well as today!, and above all: Living! God's word is like food for our soul...actually that's why we crave it, if we have the Holy Spirit living in us...because Holy Spirit craves God's Word! In our human-ness we try to thwart the craving with other 'stuff' but, nothing satisfies except the Word!--Not anything!

Happy Wednesday!--Thanks for reading!

Just a mist--appearing for a little while...

God is doing some amazing things. As an example, He gets my attention in ways that I would never dream, ask or imagine.
Life is short, we are a mist, only appearing for a short time, and then we're gone...but God's Word...lasts forever...because it is living. This is an amazing concept--one I don't completely understand, but I do completely believe!
Life is short. Live it on purpose. Do I do a good job at this? Probably, there is much room for improvement...I do enjoy life, most of the time. I look for the good.
I strive to be 'heavenly minded'...and think about God and heaven and obedience and mercy and His unending grace. His amazing grace.
His abundant blessing. His provision in my life. God's plan to use even me in the 'grand scheme of things' for this planet while my personal 'mist' is here.

In the past month, I've spoken twice publicly, and had many conversations privately about my personal relationship with Jesus...God's Son.
My choice to believe, His choosing me.
My choice to 'act on my faith'...His choice to bless that effort, and increase my faith.

Amazingly, these are things that speak to people who are searching for 'something' to fill that 'God-sized' blank space in their soul.

My story is really no different than anybody else's ...more tragic than some at this point, not as tragic as others. However, in spite of the tragedies, I find is rest. Rest in a faithful, loving God...and many never find that rest. They seek it other places...or perhaps they do not even know that's what they are looking for.
You see, I believe that true rest comes from knowing Jesus SO well that complete trust in Him and His faithfulness negates worry! Bad things happen here, this isn't heaven. But, if we're listening to the Holy Spirit's nudging us, we can witness some amazing things!--really!

In real life it looks like this:
There are so many new faces in the place I worship each week. This is great.! It is also a little overwhelming...the constant question becomes: where do I begin to try to connect?
I almost walked past a lady just this morning. 'Almost' is key to that sentence: but, I felt like, 'she's the one I'm supposed to connect with today'...so, I introduced myself, lent an ear for a few moments to get 'her story'...and, within the first few words of our conversation, I knew she was the 'God-appointed connection' for me at that moment!
After I told her my name, she told me hers, and then she said: "You're the grief lady?"...

I suppose that's one way to describe me...but the amazing thing is, that's the second time this week that's happened to me...the other time I was in a local restaurant.

My point here is this: as much as we dread talking about death & dying...it happens...and because it happens, there will be those left behind to grieve the loss that that death caused.

If we love deeply, as we are told to do in scripture, then when we lose people that we love deeply, we are going to grieve. And, no, no matter what our culture says, we will not be 'over it' in the three days we might get for 'bereavement leave.' It takes time. It is intentional this journey of grief. We don't do it like those who have no hope, but there are still things we must deal with for good mental health and a good 'eternal perspective.'

I'm thinking I need to start just a 'grief blog'...Any thoughts? Should I? What do YOU think? Leave a comment...PLEASE!

Note: Today has been a day of Tears!

Days like this just help under-line God's provision in my life. His presence is everything to me, and precious, holy moments happen when I can feel Him near me. I get to speak soon about my relationship with God. It's very exciting to me to think about talking about it...what God means to me in every day life...and loving Him with all my heart! I also get a little scared that I'll leave something important 'out'...however, I know that the Holy Spirit IN me is wise counsel, and He will prompt me to what I need to say!

Today, my emotions are very close to the surface, as I've spent most of this day in one worship service, or another...I've felt God's presence close around me most of this day...so precious to me. Yet, as I type it, I'm not even certain that I'm writing it with the amount of 'holy awe' that a discussion of a Holy God deserves.

I know that God is sovereign, He's in His Heaven, yet He's in me, because of His Holy Spirit...He's worthy of all my praise, He's Holy, His Son died for me, that blood was the sacrifice I needed for my sins to be forgiven...God has a divine plan for my life...He's worthy of my praise...He's to be exalted High above all!

Worship Him, for He is Worthy!

Speaking of Leaving a Well...

Leaving a Well...in the Valley you've been through! I was able to be a part of an event, last night, that had been planned specifically for women of the area, offered at the McLeansboro First General Baptist Church.

"Leave a Well in the Valley" was the theme for the evening. While we wait for the blessed hope...Titus 2:13a was the scripture basis they used.

Digging a well in our lives to leave for others to 'draw from' while we are living and watching and waiting for the Lord. The things He has planned for our lives...and the battles we face that the enemy uses to 'side track' us with along the way. Remembering that the 'well' needs to have the source of Living Water in Jesus and God's Word to be a healthy source...not contaminated by worldy thinking or actions...or reactions!

The evening was literally packed with opportunities for women to participate in worship, glorify God and just enjoy His presence! From songs to skits, dance to testimonies and then me, at the end!

I love any opportunity offered to talk about God and His word--and what He's done and IS doing in my life. I could feel God's presence from the time I got there!--Just calm, but building anticipation! The team had done an excellent job of bathing the evening in prayer. My hope & prayer is that all those who attended were blessed.

For me, personally, last night turned into a mini-family reunion and 'old home week' as two of my cousins drove over from the St. Louis area to share with those gathered, in song, (...thanks, Jill & Vicki, it sounded amazing!) and because they were there, my aunt got to attend! My sister came to be with us. (thanks, LaDonna, my 'book table' will never be the same:D) And, because this is the church where Mom & Jim attend, not only were they there, but Jim got to hear me talk--plus, mom and the planning team had been meeting for 8 weeks or so...they did a great job!

It was so much fun to worship together, and listen as many shared their stories...laughing and crying with them. It was also humbling, when it was over, for a few of those precious women to come up and tell me their 'stories'. I won't invade their privacy by sharing them here, or any place else.

But, it is a holy and sacred moment, when God binds us together as sisters because of similar 'valley experiences' in our lives. It is good to be able to openly, even for a few moments, encourage one another because 'we've been there'... Praising God for Who He is and What He's Done!

Praise be to the God and Gather of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.--2 Corinthians 1: 3 & 4

Our Girls. There are SO many of them!

Our girls. There are so many of them...it's just easy to say 'our girls'...but because there truly are SO many of them, I always feel like I should take time to update on each one.

Our oldest is a stay at home mom. She and her husband of 5 years have Will, who is 4, and Ally who will turn 1 in a little over a month. She is a great mom, creative in her approach to parenting, and keeps her family at a high priority in her life. I'm very proud of her!--Alayna.

Our second oldest. Wow, she's a mold-breaker for the most part. Most of the women in our family, including grandmothers, aunts and many cousins were married before age 21. Not her. She's a college graduate, just this past spring, and eager to have a real job...she's busy with an internship right now...16 hours away from us. She's loving being away from our small town, making new friends, and enjoying 'not having home work' for the first time in about 15 years! Some day, her prince will come...or, NOT. Which ever, it's all good. She's an inspiration to me and a source of great laughter. I' very proud of her, as well!--Holly.

Our twins. I should not lump them together as a unit. And, so, forgive me...to separate them:
Our third oldest (by 15 minutes). She has strong convictions for friendships. She loves to laugh. She loves sports, running, swimming, biking, skating, walking and running. One of her most favorite possessions is her i-pod because she loves music. She also likes to watch music videos on YouTube. Did I already say she loves to laugh? She does not like to wear her rubber bands on her braces, as prescribed by her orthodontist! She wants to get a tattoo at some point in her life. She has a great idea for the design. I will not share it here, because, she may change her mind before she's 18, which is how old she'll have to be before she gets one! She's trying really hard in her classes, and has successfully brought her grades up this first nine weeks. I am very proud of the young woman she is becoming!--Madison.

Our fourth oldest (ha). Yes, she's the 'other twin'...Our youngest living child. Takes little seriously, except making lots of friends. She doesn't believe in making fun of people, which I admire. She has very strong convictions about being nice and fair. She's really tender hearted. This girl loves chocolate...and she loves ice cream. She, too loves sports, all of them that she knows about. Her immediate goal about her appearance is to have pink hair. Hilarious! She is trying really hard at school, too...and has brought her grades up significantly in the past 6 weeks, as well. I am very proud of how grown up she's becoming!--Mallory.

Our girls. My hope would be that as they grow up and settle down, they would continue to be close to each other. That their children (eventually, our 'other three girls' could have husbands & children of their own:D) would know each other as family.

So, the question in my mind is: Have we done everything we could have to encourage the girls to be close to each other? To respect & love each other? To listen and share with each other their lives? I guess, some of these questions, I'll never know the answer to..but God's word promises for those who believe, a blessing to the 1000th generation! I want that blessing for the generations that will follow, Lord willing!

Be blessed!

Ritz Crackers and Hello, Kitty!

Sometimes, I think : 'I should write a book'

...and then sometimes, I think:

'no, you don't have enough education or life experience or connections to actually write a book.'

Of course, I can write here, in this blog, over and over...and you can read it--or not! Enough of the 'random thoughts' for this evening.

This week we are beginning week 7 of GriefShare. This is a ministry group that my husband and I facilitate together. This fall, we began our third 13-week session. I've written specific details of how GriefShare works in previous posts to this blog. While it is underwritten by our church, it is open to the public, and you don't have to attend our church to participate.

My hope has always been, since moment one, that God would use our grief experience to further His Kingdom, and bring glory back to Himself. That Satan would not have any sort of victory because of this experience in our lives.

I was talking to a friend earlier today who had suffered the loss of a loved one over 6 years ago. My friend has repeatedly told me they grieved this loss 'back then'. and felt nothing now. Today, however, would have been this loved one's birthday, and my friend was surprised by feelings of overwhelming sorrow...to the point of asking me if this reaction to a birthday was 'normal.'

The truth is: there's nothing 'normal' about grief. And, it's all normal...we all do it differently. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope while going through grief.

Grief is not something we ever want to experience, but the reality is: if we 'love'...then we will grieve when we lose the one(s) we love. I don't want any one I know to belong to the 'club' that my husband & I belong to as 'those that have buried their children'.

However, the reality is: it happens. I can remember in the deepest of our sorrow thinking, "I want to do this right; I want to learn what ever I'm supposed to from this." I wanted to learn all I could about God...and His provision and His comfort and strength and how to praise His Name in the midst of it all.

Actually, what I wanted to write here tonight isn't even coming out on these keys, because as I consider the words I'd have to use, I'm just not certain that I can even type them. So, stick with me, perhaps it'll come out in another 'post' in the near future...

And so, with that in mind, I'll just say this: Grief presents a mysterious and very unpredictable set of emotions.

Anger. Bitterness. Guilt.

Sadness. Loneliness.

Loss. Despair. Hopelessness. Emptiness.

Anxiousness.

All at the same time sometimes.

--Waves of emotion can wash over us at the most unexpected times. And, unless we are prepared, we don't always link what we're feeling back to our loss. As with my good good friend, it's been so long ago that it was hard to put that together. If we don't identify what we're feeling and face it, working through it in a healthy way, we will 'stuff our emotions,' which is unhealthy, and leads to all kinds of really bad things.

From my experience: Months after losing Macy. In Wal-Mart...I lost it in front of the Ritz crackers. More than once in her life, I'd put box I was buying next to her on the seat of the cart and let her help herself, while we shopped.

Hard moment.

I just cried. Smiled through the tears. Then...bought a box to honor her memory and walked on through the store.

Her birthday is the day I buy myself something 'Hello Kitty' each year. One time it was a journal...once it was toothpaste that tastes like bubble gum (she would've loved that!)...a dear friend once gave me a PEZ dispenser! These are things that make me smile...help me face the reality that she truly was here, and it's OK for me to miss her.

But, above all, to actually feel the emotions I'm feeling, and deal with them in positive, constructive ways. Catch that: not everything I feel in this part of my life is 'great and rosy' sometimes I'm sad and well, just sad. My friend, Do NOT be afraid to feel what you're feeling. Too many numb it. DON'T. There is life during and after our tears of sorrow.

And, thankfully, we live in an era where tissue is easy to come by...

of course, shirt sleeves work, too!--:D