Yesterday, included in my "Mornings with Tozer" devotional," it says: Apart from the Scriptures we have no sure philosophy; apart from Jesus Christ we have no true knowledge of God; apart from the in-living Spirit we have no ability to live lives morally pleasing to God!--A.W. Tozer.
I was delighted last week, to find that there were a couple of 'new books' on the shelf of our local book store that were focused on Tozer, himself. That was fun to consider, as one was a compilation of his favorite writers that was supposed to have helped him in forming his theology, I think the words on the cover said something like "from his personal library." Those words made me smile--for many reasons.
This week has been a week of "growing" and "self-realizations" for me, as we came face to face with the reality of where we are--and the realization that the 'honey moon is over' so to speak. Holidays are a blessed time, surrounded with family, friends and food, and hopefully laughter.
The realization hit me during the moments before our meal on Thanksgiving Day. A meal that I had been planning for a month, and prepared for a couple of days. A meal that would include our five family members plus seven strangers... I use the term strangers loosely here because we know them, the know us, we are friends, but we are all unrelated to each other. I, of course, am talking about the boys that are in the care of this ministry, four of which live in our home.
The reality hit me right between the eyes when the 'newest' member of our home could not face the meal, choosing, instead to stay in his room, under the covers. The fact is: there have been holidays when the 'meal' was the most difficult part. Of course, these meals came during my adult years (the holidays after my parent's divorce, the Thanksgiving morning that my grandma Sisk died, the holidays after we lost Randy's parents and Macy, to name a few) and I did not stay in my bed..even though I wanted to. However, these boys faced this holiday with no one, except us--perhaps I was surprised more of them didn't want to take to their bed...
Because I've lived through painful holidays, I can relate. Not because I am super woman, but because the Scriptures (as Tozer reminds us above) are an important part of my life--a part that I cannot live without. You see, even in the most difficult places this life has takes us, because of who Jesus is to me, and because of the place scripture takes in my thought processes, I have peace that passes understanding, and the in-living Spirit is right there to guide and comfort me! I count this among one of the greatest gifts I have as a believer...
And, here I am, trying to encapsulate that knowledge, that peace, that path for the young men in our home that have little to no hope, little to no knowledge of God. How do I do that? How can I make them understand? How can I encourage them, and help them establish and come to a healthy hope and trust in an unseen God?
These are age old questions. These are age old problems. These are burning my thoughts and stirring the passion in me for the things of God. Like no other time in my life, I have to reconcile all this, and then formulate a plan...a new kind of normal. Why the urgency now, you may be asking, and what does this have to do with anything?
When we lost Macy, I had friends and family that were there to help in our darkest grief. Macy left because of an accident...no one had a choice in facing the reality of her going...it just happened. Our friends packed up and stored all her things within a few hours of her passing. I processed that grief and that loss in a way that surprised even me. But, I did not have to pack up her sippy cups, or her clothing, or her toys--someone else did that. I only had to face the rest of my life without her laughter and her smile and her gestures.
We find ourselves, again, experiencing the loss of a child, but in a different way. Two of the boys in our care chose to run away this past week end. I could write volumes about the event itself, but I will not share that here. What I will share is the great sadness that has washed over me...the feeling of complete and utter failure I have because they chose to leave our care. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they chose to leave a warm home for a cold wet rainy night. Their choice has really nothing to do with me--I know this--but the loss is still the same. I was the one to pack all their belongings. It was me who prepared their room for the next boys that will be placed with us. I touched each of their earthly possessions and stored them away and wept for the loss.
In some strange way, I found myself comparing this present moment in time to that loss so long ago, and then to the loss of our nephew this past spring. Is that selfish? I do not know. Is that normal? I do not know. Is it real? YES. A resounding YES.
Coming apart, that is how I feel today. I know the One who can put me back together...the key, however, will be to allow Him to work in this situation and to watch as He unfolds His plan in each of these boy's lives. I am here to plant seeds, it is not up to me to reap the harvest, that will be for some one else, another time!
I take great comfort and feel encouraged concerning all this when I read John 18:1-11 and realize that Peter was not called to save& protect Jesus' life--he was called to spread God's word...perhaps that's my realization, as I come apart: I am not called to save the lives of these boys, just speak the word in to them! Pray that this will come about--with urgency! So that they, too, will be able to eventually live lives that are morally pleasing to God out of their own unique and sold-out love for Him. In the wait, I will probably weep more freely and openly...and constantly be 'ready-ing a room!'
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
A Glad and Thankful Heart
Being thankful has usually come easy for me. I can be thankful in the most rediculous situations...usually looking for a bright spot, or a silver lining to the cloud...or making lemonade out of lemons. I've noticed a lot of posts on my social network of friends recounting each day the things they are thankful for, which is good to do. I remember singing, as a little girl in a small church in Broughton IL, the words 'count your many blessings, name them one by one.'
Once I heard a well known speaker say that our prayers express our spiritual maturity, as they move from 'requests of God' to 'expressing thankfulness to God'. That makes a lot of sense, when you think about it. How we think about God, the Creator of the Universe is the most important thing about us. Scripture teaches us to be thankful in all circumstances. Go ahead, be bold, try it for a day: Just say "Thank You" to God for anything your hand touches, or your eye sees--or your emotions 'feel'.
I added this 'feel' part because it seems we live in a culture where we have bought in to the lie of Satan that if what we are feeling is unpleasant, we need medication to get through. I'm not going on about medication...but what I will tell you is that God created our feelings/emotions. He is intimately familiar with you and your feelings, according to Psalm 139....nothing is a surprise to Him.
One thing I considered this morning, as I was reading is that it has become somewhat 'old fashioned' to be truly thankful. I was reminded in my 'Mornings with Tozer' devotional that we should not be anxious to put away things that are 'ordinary' or 'commonplace' in our practices concerning God. (Tozer goes on to express a concern that "this existing mania for glamour and contempt for the ordinary are signs and portents in American society. Even religion has gone glamorous!" And then he talks about glamour instead of glory.) The scripture used to tie these thoughts together is 2 Thessalonians 2:15, which says: So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.
Embrace feelings, handle them appropriately according to God's word, embrace thankfulness, embrace this season. Sometimes it's the best holiday ever...sometimes, it's the worst...remember this place is not our home, and there will come glory that will outshine anything we experience here...anything...it's a promise we can live by!
Being thankful--it's the condition of your heart. Make certain that your heart has healthy attitudes and it is glad.
Be thankful!
Once I heard a well known speaker say that our prayers express our spiritual maturity, as they move from 'requests of God' to 'expressing thankfulness to God'. That makes a lot of sense, when you think about it. How we think about God, the Creator of the Universe is the most important thing about us. Scripture teaches us to be thankful in all circumstances. Go ahead, be bold, try it for a day: Just say "Thank You" to God for anything your hand touches, or your eye sees--or your emotions 'feel'.
I added this 'feel' part because it seems we live in a culture where we have bought in to the lie of Satan that if what we are feeling is unpleasant, we need medication to get through. I'm not going on about medication...but what I will tell you is that God created our feelings/emotions. He is intimately familiar with you and your feelings, according to Psalm 139....nothing is a surprise to Him.
One thing I considered this morning, as I was reading is that it has become somewhat 'old fashioned' to be truly thankful. I was reminded in my 'Mornings with Tozer' devotional that we should not be anxious to put away things that are 'ordinary' or 'commonplace' in our practices concerning God. (Tozer goes on to express a concern that "this existing mania for glamour and contempt for the ordinary are signs and portents in American society. Even religion has gone glamorous!" And then he talks about glamour instead of glory.) The scripture used to tie these thoughts together is 2 Thessalonians 2:15, which says: So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.
Embrace feelings, handle them appropriately according to God's word, embrace thankfulness, embrace this season. Sometimes it's the best holiday ever...sometimes, it's the worst...remember this place is not our home, and there will come glory that will outshine anything we experience here...anything...it's a promise we can live by!
Being thankful--it's the condition of your heart. Make certain that your heart has healthy attitudes and it is glad.
Be thankful!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Just this week...
Trees, and trees and more trees! Gorgeous color, and endless views of mountains, and more mountains. I know, the term mountain is relative location, and here in North Georgia, the mountains are covered in trees.
In the distance, in any direction I look, I can see them. When time allows, we love going on an explore to the east, winding over unfamiliar (at this point) roads to places we've never heard of or seen before.
We began the week Sunday afternoon at a small town east of here. A group of people, about four couples and their teen age kids, were putting together a Christmas Light display, for underpriviledged kids to be able to come meet Santa. We helped string lights, and test light bulbs, and they were not finished when we left. I very much enjoyed sitting and talking and laughing with people that were obviously very close to each other, and very comfortable with what they were doing. Just sort of blending in to the community: country music, (yeah, I know, not my favorite) laughter, it was great--in another part of the park there was a huge neighborhood soccer game going on.
Monday night was drama night. With two girls and five boys in the house, the girls were ready to move to Fiji and the boys were offering to pack their bags. In the end, however, all was well...
Tuesday is our 'day off'...great stuff. The girls got their eletronic tablets that day. They are pretty excited about that--of course, they don't have to use them til next semester, but they have them now to get all their music downloaded--I suppose that's why they need them, because that's what they are doing with them.
Wednesday, we were going to grill BBQ chicken...of course it was pouring down rain, so we kept it and fried it instead. Never again. That was crazy!
Today one of our boys wasn't feeling good. They can't just 'stay home' when this happens, they either have to have visible signs of illness (I will not explain that one, use your imagination), a fever or something for a dr. to diagnose. And so, we went to the dr's office this morning...oh yeah: sinus infection...yielded two prescriptions. He's home, resting today, will go back to tomorrow to school.
Soon, they will all be home from school. We are going, as a group to one of the other houses tonight to hear a young man's story, my hope is that it will truly make an impact on the lives of all that hear.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Did I ever Mention...
The fact that since we've lived here, Mallory has grown two inches? She especially loves this area because it's all about camouflage clothing and trucks and country music, some of her favorite things! And the fact that the girls, both of them, are now brunettes?
The fact that in this past month, since we settled here, we have gone to our high school just about every day, to either take some 'needed item', or to pick some one (all together we have four freshman, one sophomore and one junior, our eighth grader attends the middle school) up for an appointment. Because we are there so often and because the receptionist immediately 'took a liking' to us, Madison is an office aid this semester--which is great, because she is getting to know the administrators, and the kids and the building well! The most amazing thing about their high school is, first of all, that the building is brand new--it just opened in August. Driving up to it is pretty impressive, with the trees and mountains as a gorgeous back drop. But when you come out the front door, the view in that direction is breath-taking--literally!
The fact that I rave about how gorgeous North Georgia is all the time, because I love the hills, mountains, fall colors and weather...to the point that yesterday, one of our boys responded with "I am so sorry they didn't have trees where ya'all came from"...I probably shouldn't mention it again in their presence!--Hilarious!
The fact that I sat one entire day at a surgery center, while one of our boys had throat surgery. If you know me at all, you know that I 'do not do bodily fluids well'...(that's why God gave me Randy)...however, I even held his head and the bucket when the anesthesia was wearing off and the drink he'd been given needed to make an exit--and I didn't even flinch. Perhaps, I'm growing up. You may wonder, then, why didn't Randy just go with him, instead? Well, come to find out, this boy is really close to his momma...and she, for numerous reasons, was not present for this important event...he asked specifically if I could take him....how could I have said 'no'? He talked a lot about her, and his family, and we watched cooking shows while he was in recovery. Rand was there for a good portion of the day, and he's done a couple of the post op visits instead of me--we sort of trade off those kinds of appointments. On this same thought, one of the boys made a comment yesterday that made me stop in my tracks. We had a relief parent here, so we could have our time off and before we left she made a general comment to the boys about what a 'good momma' they have here now. This young man responded with 'yeah, she's the best mom I've ever had, and I've had four,' as he finished his peanut butter sandwich.
The fact that we are so busy most days, that we fall in to bed at night, exhausted. The other part of that is that we love love love what we are doing...and it shows up in the most unexpected places. While I loved being women's minister at our church, and still miss the interaction with the congregation and the staff terribly, I am certain that God has fashioned our lives to be exactly where we are right now. If I had not been 'there' I would not be nearly as equipped for the amount of pastoral care we do here.
The fact that pastoral care is a relative term...and I do not use it in reference only to the boys in our home...for, it seems, at every turn there is someone who tell me their story, and I find myself turning it back to scripture, or what God is doing in it or will do with it--what ever 'it' is!
The fact that our older girls miss us, and we miss them and the rest of our family terribly, but we get words and cards that say: "I love you both so much, but I know you are where you are supposed to be" is such a sign, not only of maturity, but also that they are supportive of this move in our lives. We are excited to contemplate seeing them in just a couple of short weeks...and my prayer remains that what my Grandma AnnaBelle said so many years ago still will ring true today: Absence makes the heart grow fonder! She, of course, was speaking of young loves that had to be separated by war, or work...but she lived it out in the lives of my sister and me, because she lived so far from us--and we knew she loved us--across the miles.
The fact that one of my dearest friends had a suicide attempt and I am six hours away. This has broken my heart. However, this event is not about me. It is, however, completely about her, and her trust in a loving, graceful, merciful God....the God of Heaven and Earth. As I heard about this event, and then fell to my face to pray for her, and the situation, I remembered all the time we'd spent together. We laughed, cried, studied and discussed scripture, God, hopes and dreams. We talked about her past and her future, we discussed child-rearing and we laughed a lot. She has taught me so much about 'pre-judging' people...and 'pre-expecting' outcomes from people. Her faithfulness is amazing. Her love for the Lord is inspiring. The move of Him in her life has been one filled with grace and provision. These past weeks, life on this earth got on top of her. I have cried more this week than I have in a very long time...(remembering that tears are good for my soul). I have been on the verge of tears most of the time, and the kids, all of them, have been super sweet to check on me (in their own way--because most of them have dealt with pain so much deeper than anything I've ever experienced)...as I contemplated life, and my friend's decision, I was directed to a passage of scripture that seemed to minister to my soul in a way that made me weep as it delivered comfort and insight to me:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
These are words from the I Peter 1:3-9, NIV.
The fact that in this past month, since we settled here, we have gone to our high school just about every day, to either take some 'needed item', or to pick some one (all together we have four freshman, one sophomore and one junior, our eighth grader attends the middle school) up for an appointment. Because we are there so often and because the receptionist immediately 'took a liking' to us, Madison is an office aid this semester--which is great, because she is getting to know the administrators, and the kids and the building well! The most amazing thing about their high school is, first of all, that the building is brand new--it just opened in August. Driving up to it is pretty impressive, with the trees and mountains as a gorgeous back drop. But when you come out the front door, the view in that direction is breath-taking--literally!
The fact that I rave about how gorgeous North Georgia is all the time, because I love the hills, mountains, fall colors and weather...to the point that yesterday, one of our boys responded with "I am so sorry they didn't have trees where ya'all came from"...I probably shouldn't mention it again in their presence!--Hilarious!
The fact that I sat one entire day at a surgery center, while one of our boys had throat surgery. If you know me at all, you know that I 'do not do bodily fluids well'...(that's why God gave me Randy)...however, I even held his head and the bucket when the anesthesia was wearing off and the drink he'd been given needed to make an exit--and I didn't even flinch. Perhaps, I'm growing up. You may wonder, then, why didn't Randy just go with him, instead? Well, come to find out, this boy is really close to his momma...and she, for numerous reasons, was not present for this important event...he asked specifically if I could take him....how could I have said 'no'? He talked a lot about her, and his family, and we watched cooking shows while he was in recovery. Rand was there for a good portion of the day, and he's done a couple of the post op visits instead of me--we sort of trade off those kinds of appointments. On this same thought, one of the boys made a comment yesterday that made me stop in my tracks. We had a relief parent here, so we could have our time off and before we left she made a general comment to the boys about what a 'good momma' they have here now. This young man responded with 'yeah, she's the best mom I've ever had, and I've had four,' as he finished his peanut butter sandwich.
The fact that we are so busy most days, that we fall in to bed at night, exhausted. The other part of that is that we love love love what we are doing...and it shows up in the most unexpected places. While I loved being women's minister at our church, and still miss the interaction with the congregation and the staff terribly, I am certain that God has fashioned our lives to be exactly where we are right now. If I had not been 'there' I would not be nearly as equipped for the amount of pastoral care we do here.
The fact that pastoral care is a relative term...and I do not use it in reference only to the boys in our home...for, it seems, at every turn there is someone who tell me their story, and I find myself turning it back to scripture, or what God is doing in it or will do with it--what ever 'it' is!
The fact that our older girls miss us, and we miss them and the rest of our family terribly, but we get words and cards that say: "I love you both so much, but I know you are where you are supposed to be" is such a sign, not only of maturity, but also that they are supportive of this move in our lives. We are excited to contemplate seeing them in just a couple of short weeks...and my prayer remains that what my Grandma AnnaBelle said so many years ago still will ring true today: Absence makes the heart grow fonder! She, of course, was speaking of young loves that had to be separated by war, or work...but she lived it out in the lives of my sister and me, because she lived so far from us--and we knew she loved us--across the miles.
The fact that one of my dearest friends had a suicide attempt and I am six hours away. This has broken my heart. However, this event is not about me. It is, however, completely about her, and her trust in a loving, graceful, merciful God....the God of Heaven and Earth. As I heard about this event, and then fell to my face to pray for her, and the situation, I remembered all the time we'd spent together. We laughed, cried, studied and discussed scripture, God, hopes and dreams. We talked about her past and her future, we discussed child-rearing and we laughed a lot. She has taught me so much about 'pre-judging' people...and 'pre-expecting' outcomes from people. Her faithfulness is amazing. Her love for the Lord is inspiring. The move of Him in her life has been one filled with grace and provision. These past weeks, life on this earth got on top of her. I have cried more this week than I have in a very long time...(remembering that tears are good for my soul). I have been on the verge of tears most of the time, and the kids, all of them, have been super sweet to check on me (in their own way--because most of them have dealt with pain so much deeper than anything I've ever experienced)...as I contemplated life, and my friend's decision, I was directed to a passage of scripture that seemed to minister to my soul in a way that made me weep as it delivered comfort and insight to me:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
These are words from the I Peter 1:3-9, NIV.
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